The River View Journey

  More spring, days that watching my doggo enjoy the sun, lightens the darkness a bit. It’s a week of feeling lots of conflicting feelings. Another job I applied for didn’t offer me an interview. I am angry. It seems that I am just not related to the right people so that I am taken seriously. Two more applications went out. I wait. But, I am not hopeful. I love working with students. Seeing them light up when they make a connection and understand something new lights up my heart and my mind.  But, finding a position that I see in time for me to give them all the needed paperwork and that would take a chance on me is proving illusive. I am exhausted as a substitute and am ready to be done. I would immediately walk away from it if another job would come along. So, I keep looking for other opportunities. But, I haven’t found anything that my current education and credentials would enable me to be considered for hiring.  I am so frustrated, angry, financially strapped, stress...

 It’s spring…winter went by so fast this year. I generally am having a centered season of life with my kids and my partner. Vocationally though, things are rocky. I am not finding jobs to apply for. When I do find something, I don’t get the position. Substituting has been hit and miss. In the last three weeks I have worked 5 and a half days. The actual repercussions of this type of work life means I haven’t been able to order oil and we essentially ran out 2 months ago. We supplement with electric heaters because I get assistance with the electric bill. But, I got up this morning to another 30 degree morning outside and our hermit crab had died.  I look at the calendar and I am keenly aware that there is only about a month of school left. That means that my income is coming to a zero. I will still have basic utilities and a mortgage to pay. What little I have in savings will nowhere near cover half the expenses for a month, let alone all summer. Panic is setting in. The panic ...

 I find myself at a loss these days. Mostly this loss surrounds job hunting and a career and a basic income to provide for me and my kids. I have lost count of the number of jobs I have applied for. But, haven’t found anything to apply for in four months.  In nearly 2 years of seriously apply for jobs, I have gotten five interviews. 2 interviews were for teaching positions. I have put all the pieces I could I into place so that I can teach full time. But, even though what I have spent money pursuing is a valid path in Pennsylvania, referenced on the Depart of Education website, few districts seem willing to work with it. And, though I have gotten interviews, there always seems to be someone younger, with the right degrees, who perused the preferred path to teach. I have shown effectiveness in the classroom. I tried to show dedication. But, I have only gotten a big “F you”. That is how it feels. In actuality, I only know that “admin doesn’t like” me. Though, I job search daily,...

 Some days just bring a person down. A lot about these first  days of 2024 have been a struggle. They have reminded me of a chronic frame of mind that I live in as “less than” and with low self-esteem. And, as the job hunt remains dismal, I am finding it hard to dig out of this place. Four and a half years ago, my life drastically changed. I left active, full time ministry. But, most people have no idea what happened. Or, if they think they do from one of the other parties involved, they don’t know my side of the story.  Here goes… I allowed someone to get too close to me and me too close to them. After nearly 20 years of an unhealthy work-life balance try as I might to keep it healthy, I was burnt out and made a choice about a relationship with this person that turned out to be a poor choice on many levels. Nothing happened with the (adult) person except an emotional connection and some kissing. I turned myself into my supervisor. I was suspended and forced to take an un...

This time of year is often hard for me. The literal darkness outside weighs on my mind. I get shifted into a rumination space. Often worries take over my thoughts and I struggle to hold onto hope. For nineteen months an ongoing refrain has become a weight…”I need a job”. There are so many parts of life that remain stressful and anxious because I see the income I receive for work and know what gets paid out and what gets essentially ignored because there just isn’t money to care for it. I want a job that I can feel good about going to. I need one that will pay for the bills I have to pay. I want something that will give a little bit a room for some extras. At this point the employment market hasn’t been showing opportunities that the needs of the situation and my skills and needs to provide for my kids match. I get frustrated. I get angry. I am so often left with only those emotions surrounding this part of my life. The negativity doesn’t help me with my goals of being a better mom and ...

  Here’s my story… I grew up in 80’s and 90’s in a Christian family and community. I grew up in purity culture. I grew up seeing only heterosexual relationships. I grew up having it insinuated or specifically said that homosexual relationships were deviant.  Much loss early in my life which occurred along a few other events meant I deeply feared being a disappointment. I was a good girl. Subconsciously, I tried really hard to do everything I could to keep people from leaving me. Without knowing  it, what I wanted in life became deeply shaped by what I was supposed to want.  I wanted to be a mother. So, of course I wanted to be a wife. I wanted the Christian marriage where the man was head of the household, but at the same time we would be equal partners. But, also, we wouldn’t be tied to typical gender stereotypes. I worked hard to find what I wanted. When it didn’t come by the end of college and then the end of seminary (where I earned my Master’s degree to become c...

  Today I am pondering story…the story that is the foundation of my faith as well as my own story.  The faith foundation story is one about love expressed despite how society would want to qualify that love  regarding who is in and who is out (whether that is society of 4000, 2000, 10 years in the past or 10, 2000, 4000 years into the future). It’s a love that is poured out consistently. It is both a universal love and a deeply personal love. It’s there whether I “feel” it or allow myself to receive it. It’s a love poured out on me despite my ongoing personal transformation and self-understanding. As Paul writes in the book of Romans nothing can separate me from the love of my creator. Fall and the changing of the colors of the leaves is a consistent reminder of this truth for me. An oak or maple tree is still an oak or maple tree even if the leaves are not green. Such is the love of God for me and you. No matter our changes, God’s love is big enough to surround and cover...