Both/And

 

More spring, days that watching my doggo enjoy the sun, lightens the darkness a bit.

It’s a week of feeling lots of conflicting feelings. Another job I applied for didn’t offer me an interview. I am angry. It seems that I am just not related to the right people so that I am taken seriously. Two more applications went out. I wait. But, I am not hopeful.

I love working with students. Seeing them light up when they make a connection and understand something new lights up my heart and my mind. 

But, finding a position that I see in time for me to give them all the needed paperwork and that would take a chance on me is proving illusive. I am exhausted as a substitute and am ready to be done. I would immediately walk away from it if another job would come along.

So, I keep looking for other opportunities. But, I haven’t found anything that my current education and credentials would enable me to be considered for hiring. 

I am so frustrated, angry, financially strapped, stressed, worried. I don’t feel good about myself. I hear in repeated rejection - “you are no longer needed”.

I see no worth in what I offer the world. 

Add to the struggles with job hunting that my voice on spirituality and faith was silenced nearly 5 years ago. No one cares what I have to offer. I left a denomination that would seek to silence me because I made a mistake. I self-reported. I was honest about it. But, in the admitting, I confessed my newly understood sexuality. Because of the stance the denomination had, that made the punishment all the more harsh. They were careful not to put that confession in official documents so I couldn’t say they were being discriminatory. I grew up in a denomination that nurtured my faith and spirituality. It nurtured my call to ministry. But, for most of my life they officially taught that who I am is an abomination. This week, they changed that stance officially. The teaching is still deeply entrenched in the church and in me. I find it very difficult to love myself. Yes, the change came and I am over joyed for this movement of the spirit in the life of the universal church. But, it’s too little too late for me.

And, I know that none of this defines my worth. But, I struggle to believe that, especially as the jobless season stretches onward.