Don’t say it can’t get worse…

 

For months, I have felt increasing anxiety moving towards panic about my situation. 

Job-  find something apply. Usually I end up hearing nothing. I have had 2 job interviews since the beginning of 2024. One I just didn’t meet the mark against all the other candidates. The other actually ended up being a “not sure what you want from us” we filled this position this morning. When I get feed back from not getting job interviews or being offered positions it’s literally l am overeducated and under qualified. Employees don’t want to hire me for starting positions because they are afraid that something else will come along and I will quit. I have applied for state and county jobs. I have applied for direct care agencies. I have applied at schools.

2 years ago I made the decision to leave the United Methodist Church because of their stance on LGBTQIA persons. I am gay. I am trying to learn to live myself. It’s very hard because of internalized homophobia. I have girlfriend now. We are trying to figure out building a life together in the midst of my mental health and vocational struggles. I can’t afford to get married. And, I really struggle with “Christian marriage”.

Recently the United Methodist Church officially changed their stance on LGBTQIA persons. So, now I get questions and suggestions that I return because then I would have a job. I can’t do that. I have so much pain and hurt about how my situation was handled. I would have to basically get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness and plead to be received back. I don’t think that would help my mental health and self-esteem.

I had known for 5 years before I was suspended in 2019, that my call had changed. I knew I was called to provide spiritual direction type guidance. And I had realized that bi-vocational ministry (working in a secular job and in the church) for clergy made more sense than working only in the church. But the UMC isn’t really set up for that. I have increasingly had so many thoughts about the spiritual part of my vocation over the last year or so. 

It’s more than being out of practice from not having engaged in the work for the last 5 years. I just don’t think I have anything to offer in the world. I am not consistent with blogging or posting and sharing in the Facebook page. And, so they don’t get traffic. And my blog has thus turned to more personal sharing updates about my life. I just don’t have any spiritual insights to offer about the world anymore. Spiritual stuff seems like a dead end for me to create any type of income stream.

I subbed again this year. The pay was inconsistent. My situation was already tight and stressful. My last day subbing was May 24th. So, I was unemployed. No job prospects on the horizon. No income. And since I work for a school the state of Pennsylvania deans my position as not eligible for unemployment compensation. I had really started to move from anxiety to panic.

And then it got worse:

On May 28, my daughter and I were leaving our home to go to a hair cut appointment and her dance class. I was the passenger. We were struck by a large dump truck on the driver’s side. I don’t remember much before the collision. I lost consciousness. I have bruises on me tat I have no idea how the happened. I had a subarachnoid brain bleed and concussion. They kept me in ICU and ICU step down for 2 days to monitor neurological function. After 4 days at home my girlfriend took me to a different hospital (the one beside the med center where my neurologist for my MS is located) because  we could not get headaches under control. Further cat scans showed a small hydroma (sac of cerebrospinal fluid). After 24 hours there, I am resting at home (either mine or Trish’s depending on her work schedule, my doctor appointments, and the need to check on the kitties). Headaches still come and go in intensity. About the only thing that helps is laying and trying to do nothing. 

My daughter had a few scratches and was sore from accident, but otherwise ok.

I am not cleared to drive. But that doesn’t matter at the moment since my car was determined to be a total loss. I am working with insurance company to figure out next steps for getting a replacement vehicle.

I am really worried about finances. Because of being underemployed for last 9 months, there are bills that got paid on credit cards (heating oil, stuff kids needed, gas for car, basics for house). I have a mortgage, electric, a septic bill, and so much more I have to figure out paying. I am scared. I have no idea how long I am going to be out of work. And, that unknown makes it all the worse.