Color is….

 

Today I am pondering story…the story that is the foundation of my faith as well as my own story. 

The faith foundation story is one about love expressed despite how society would want to qualify that love  regarding who is in and who is out (whether that is society of 4000, 2000, 10 years in the past or 10, 2000, 4000 years into the future). It’s a love that is poured out consistently. It is both a universal love and a deeply personal love. It’s there whether I “feel” it or allow myself to receive it. It’s a love poured out on me despite my ongoing personal transformation and self-understanding. As Paul writes in the book of Romans nothing can separate me from the love of my creator.

Fall and the changing of the colors of the leaves is a consistent reminder of this truth for me. An oak or maple tree is still an oak or maple tree even if the leaves are not green. Such is the love of God for me and you. No matter our changes, God’s love is big enough to surround and cover me/us.

Often for the last 4 years, and I would venture to say for about 6 or 7 years before that, I have struggled to embrace this, to remember this. It’s not a head remembering. I could tell myself this truth repeatedly. I preached it passionately to congregations. But, I didn’t, and usually still don’t, “feel” this truth. In spiritual terms this is what is referred to as a dark night of the soul. Mine is just continuing in an extended time frame. And, I don’t know how much longer it will continue.

The last 2 years have been full of changes. I came out publicly as lesbian after 3 years of struggling with this truth about myself. It was a hard knowing that only came after years 20 of prayer about my theology regarding homosexuality and prayers about why I so struggled to feel like I fit in the life I had created for myself.  I made hard decisions to officially change denominations after a lifetime in belonging to the United Methodist Church and 22 years of service as a clergy person.  My children’s father and I officially divorced. I have continued to look for employment and create a comfortable future for my children and myself.

Despite what anyone might say, none of the changes has been easy. None. I have had fleeting moments of joy as I attempt to live authentically. But, I have had so much darkness in my internal world and wrestlings. 

And then I sit at the pond on the farm today one year following my ordination as a priest and all I can see is beauty. I spent the weekend at group reflecting on story, my story, and realizing that despite all that seems to not be working out in my favor, I am in the healthiest mental and emotional space I have been in for years. I am adulting. I am being the adult in my life. This wholeness is generally allowing me to give strength and guidance to my teenagers.

In terms of offering spiritual guidance to anyone who may read these words all I would say is no matter what is going on in your life nothing changes your value to the universe, nothing cancels the love that is poured out in you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and find your people who can be a listening ear for strength and support on your journey, no matter where it takes you.