Visioning and dreaming…

 I find myself at a loss these days. Mostly this loss surrounds job hunting and a career and a basic income to provide for me and my kids. I have lost count of the number of jobs I have applied for. But, haven’t found anything to apply for in four months.  In nearly 2 years of seriously apply for jobs, I have gotten five interviews. 2 interviews were for teaching positions. I have put all the pieces I could I into place so that I can teach full time. But, even though what I have spent money pursuing is a valid path in Pennsylvania, referenced on the Depart of Education website, few districts seem willing to work with it. And, though I have gotten interviews, there always seems to be someone younger, with the right degrees, who perused the preferred path to teach. I have shown effectiveness in the classroom. I tried to show dedication. But, I have only gotten a big “F you”. That is how it feels. In actuality, I only know that “admin doesn’t like” me.

Though, I job search daily, I haven’t found any positions that meet my needed salary to provide for my kids. When I have found something that comes close, and applied, I never hear back. One interview left me knowing that there were uncertainties which would have made parenting difficult. Plus the salary wouldn’t have been enough. I tried juggling 2 part time jobs and it became too stressful juggling both schedules and my kids’ schedules. 

I have tried opening doors to offer spiritual direction for individuals, But, I really have no connections any more where this might be a natural ministry (for which I might get paid a little). I no longer see this happening. I sense that because of the last four years, I am tainted in such a way that what I have to offer, people just aren’t interested in (especially because of my disconnection from the institutional church and because I am labeled as a damaged goods, a failure, and as harmful).

I have lost all dreams I once had about how this new season of ministry and life might unfold. Rather, I feel washed up and discarded. 

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