Waiting on the Sun…

 

Here’s my story…

I grew up in 80’s and 90’s in a Christian family and community. I grew up in purity culture. I grew up seeing only heterosexual relationships. I grew up having it insinuated or specifically said that homosexual relationships were deviant. 

Much loss early in my life which occurred along a few other events meant I deeply feared being a disappointment. I was a good girl. Subconsciously, I tried really hard to do everything I could to keep people from leaving me. Without knowing  it, what I wanted in life became deeply shaped by what I was supposed to want. 

I wanted to be a mother. So, of course I wanted to be a wife. I wanted the Christian marriage where the man was head of the household, but at the same time we would be equal partners. But, also, we wouldn’t be tied to typical gender stereotypes.

I worked hard to find what I wanted. When it didn’t come by the end of college and then the end of seminary (where I earned my Master’s degree to become clergy in the United Methodist Church), I signed up for an online dating platform (and in the early 2000’s that was a big deal). When it asked me if I was looking for male or female, it never occurred to me to select anything other than male.

Through the site, I met and married a nice man. We have children together. But, by 5 years into the marriage, I knew something didn’t fit. I knew it was me. But, I had no way to figure out why all of this that I thought I wanted didn’t feel right. I couldn’t tell my husband. We had always said divorce wouldn’t be in our vocabulary.

During all this time, I didn’t believe that being gay and being Christian could truly fit together, unless there was a vow of celibacy. By the time I graduated from seminary, I believed that truly committed same sex partners deserved some legal protection. But, it couldn’t be called marriage because that was something between a man and a woman. But, I prayed to God earnestly that if I was wrong, God had to make it abundantly clear to me. 

Over the next 7 years, God worked on my beliefs about homosexuality in terms of body, mind, and spirit. I no longer saw it as deviant, I began to understand and celebrate diversity in biology, and I got to where I knew that even as clergy in a denomination that forbade me from performing a same-sex marriage, that I would have a hard time saying no if a parishioner I knew and cared for came and asked me to.

In August of 2018, I was traveling in Scotland. That detail is import. Scotland is my heart’s home. Every trip I have made there over the last 20 years has taught me something about myself or helped me to learn to love something about myself. So, August of 2018, walking in the hallway of the vacation house I was staying in with sone friends from my doctoral program, I had the realization that I am lesbian. It was immediately followed by the thought “No, you can’t be. You have a husband and 2 children.”

I stuffed the thought until 9 months later. Then, some things unfolded that made me realize I couldn’t deny it anymore.  So much of what had unfolded over the next 3 years were held up because of the pandemic and logistics for running a household on my own. But, in  November of 2021, I came out publicly. I couldn’t hide it anymore because the silence was deafening.

Summer of 2022 brought the divorce. It also brought me to changing denominations in which I am clergy. A year ago my children’s father moved out. And I have spent the last year trying to maneuver running a household on my own as a single, gay parent. There is still stress unfolding. But, emotionally and spiritually, I can say that I am in a better place.

I am in a relationship with a woman. Trish and I have connected over several similarities in past times we enjoy…camping, kayaking, the beach, crafts. The more time I spend with her the more I want to spend with her. Every time I say let’s see how this goes…meet the dog, meet the kids, etc,…the relationship continues. I don’t know where this will go, but, I know Inwant to find out.

For all the struggles of this new, authentic life, I can say it is beautiful and joyful. This past summer I traveled to Scotland again. While there I heard a song by Scottish band Skerryvore. It is titled “Waiting on the Sun”. I heard some lines while driving past a stone wall with heather trailing down it. The words are: “ Heavy, strong and steady Unbroken I will stay  As a river joins the ocean I will find my way Through the darkest night time Until the dawn of day Waiting ever ready For what's to come my way. “

The plant heather is an ever living, ever green, ever blooming plant. I knew in that moment hearing those words that as long as I keep moving forward with authenticity and consistency that I will bloom.

So, here I am. The sun is peeking out and I am blooming.