The River View Journey

  Not gonna lie today… I am down again. But, I am desperately trying not to hide. Today is another day of facing the death of my renewed dream of teaching. I thought I had discovered a way of living and working in the world that would be a source of joy, and purpose and a bit of ease. And yet, possibilities of taking it the next step have evaded me. And, financially I need way more than I have been making the last 2 years. I am sad. I am angry.  With this week’s job interview in an unrelated field not turning into a possibility, I feel like I am grasping at straws for employment. I have another interview this coming week. The income would be okay. But, I am in no way excited. And, the schedule will be a nightmare with 2 teenagers. I feel kinda lost today. So, I turned to updating my LinkedIn profile. And I starting coming across all these people I went to seminary with. I had pride seeing what they are doing. But, then the avalanche of being less than came over me as I look at...

  Today I am noticing grief. It’s mama grief as my babies grow. One a sophomore and the other the first day of senior high as a freshman. But, today grief is also about my own life and journey. When I was much younger I had wanted to and studied to be a teacher. My ministry calling took me down other roads. About 10 years ago, I knew I was moving toward bi-vocational ministry. And then, I needed something new. Out of desperation about 4 years ago I started substitute teaching. It was a paycheck. And the pandemic closed everything down. I got to be at home with my babies who needed the presence of their mama. I spent a year in topsy-turvy school. I discovered I enjoyed teaching. And, I discovered I am good at it. Finances being what they were and are, I knew I couldn’t afford to return to school for another graduate degree. I researched options in Pennsylvania. I found one I thought was viable.  I have spent 2 years honing my skills in very practical ways while continuing to su...

 My reality currently is that two aspects of life are my biggest stumbling blocks. These keep me from seeing my blessings. They keep me from being as emotionally present for my kids as I would like. (They aren’t neglected, but I usually have low energy levels when I am spending time with them and I feel disconnected. The stumbling blocks lead  me to isolating and othering myself. Stumbling block number 1 is my finances. I squeak by right now only by the pure fact that I took a chunk of my retirement about a year ago to pay off some bills and to give me a monthly cushion until August of this year in hopes that I would have landed a job that would put me in a financial place where I can breathe. But, as I have not found and been hired for a job, I am struggling to pay all the basic necessity bills. The stress of this leaves me feeling like I am a failure to my kids.  The other stumbling block is community and friendship. I know that my stress level may send off an air of “d...

 I have lived many seasons of my life when I didn’t know or understand what was unfolding. Sometimes it was involving a relationship. Sometimes it was work. Sometimes the season was someone else’s stuff that affected my life directly. As such, I live with almost constant anxiety.  There have been times when I have gotten over my anxiety and I sensed so much hope and possibility.  The last 6 months though…it’s been anxiety. I also generally feel like I have to handle the stuff of my personal life and that I shouldn’t involve anyone else. Not that I feel the need to paint a sunshiny picture. But, I don’t like to ask for help. I don’t want to feel dependent on someone or anyone. These months have been tough, especially financially.  And here I am…the sun is setting on the day before my life could change drastically for the better. I have a job interview for a full-time teaching position. This would be my secular job. It’s in a district that I feel loyal to. It’s in my 2...

 Not gonna lie, winter has been a struggle. It usually is to a certain degree as the sun hides and darkness fills the short days, evenings, and nights. Financial stressors have plagued me. In the last month I started a second job, hoping to add enough to my income so that I can afford housings costs. I did this because the search to finding a full-time job that meets my financial needs has proved fruitless. There have been some struggles with my kids. For their privacy, I am just going to leave it at that. But, this has added to my anxiety. Yet, it is spring. The sun is returning. In my neck of the woods it is supposed to be a gorgeous week. I have had several intuitive nudges that life should be smoothing out in this season. It is hard to trust my intuition. The nearly four year journey I have been on has offered mixed messages as I have traveled which has left me in a space where I just don’t trust myself.  So often, I feel lonely. I have few people I connect with. Opportuni...

"Seasons" has been a recurring theme for me in regards to my spiritual journey. This theme re-asserted itself recently as I observed the landscape around me transforming with the colors of autumn. A long time ago, I picked up a card with a tree and sayings about the names of God in regards to the seasons. The sayings and my reflections on seasons as a theme if my spirituality consistently remind me that God, or IAm, is with me through all the seasons of my life. Color is the fall, or autumn, name of God is the saying that I am meditating on currently. The colors of fall are reminding me that though so much is changing in my life right now, IAm's presence is constant. The changes are stressful. But, IAm is present. Suddenly, changes I sensed were coming are unfolding. They are unfolding quickly. And, I am encouraged by the possibilities of what will unfold. No matter the current season of your journey, may you be filled with light, grace, love, and peace.

The last few weeks have been full. What the days have been full of are actions and conversations that solidify my willingness to lIve into something new. Right now the only thing I am sure of is that this something new will allow me to live authentically. Papers have been signed for divorce. Letters written requesting a change to the denomination where I am clergy. I am so grateful that doors are opening so that I can live as my queer self. Change is hard. These changes are scary for me. There is so much unknown.  But, I have so many dreams for what is to come. I will be working in a secular vocation as a substitute teacher. But, I will also be building new connections for my spiritual community. There will be other clergy (I will soon be meeting). But, I am also building a community locally. We will be creating a worshiping community. I will also be working as a spiritual director. (That is someone who meets regularly with people who want to learn to listen to the move...