Reality…

 My reality currently is that two aspects of life are my biggest stumbling blocks. These keep me from seeing my blessings. They keep me from being as emotionally present for my kids as I would like. (They aren’t neglected, but I usually have low energy levels when I am spending time with them and I feel disconnected. The stumbling blocks lead  me to isolating and othering myself.

Stumbling block number 1 is my finances. I squeak by right now only by the pure fact that I took a chunk of my retirement about a year ago to pay off some bills and to give me a monthly cushion until August of this year in hopes that I would have landed a job that would put me in a financial place where I can breathe. But, as I have not found and been hired for a job, I am struggling to pay all the basic necessity bills. The stress of this leaves me feeling like I am a failure to my kids. 

The other stumbling block is community and friendship. I know that my stress level may send off an air of “don’t talk to me”. But, I am lonely. I would appreciate invitations to hang out with people socially. As my life and then Covid and more stuff with my life has unfolded, I have lost most of the natural connections I have for being with people and hearing about their lives and sharing about my own. I have have dealt with social anxiety and thus have always struggled to be assertive and the initiator for social outings. 

I do not have family close. I live in a society where I worry that my being gay keeps people from going beyond surface friendliness because they don’t want to be associated with a gay person. My closest clergy colleagues are in Philadelphia and Washington, D.C.  My kids are at an age that even when they are in my home they don’t need me as much. When I am not working, or running my kids, I am usually alone. I want is for people to include me in their social adventures (small or big).


I don’t know what is going to come next. Currently I am focused on one breath at a time. But, I would be grateful for someone to invite me for a coffee or lunch on a mutual day off.



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