Back to School Grief

 

Today I am noticing grief. It’s mama grief as my babies grow. One a sophomore and the other the first day of senior high as a freshman. But, today grief is also about my own life and journey.

When I was much younger I had wanted to and studied to be a teacher. My ministry calling took me down other roads. About 10 years ago, I knew I was moving toward bi-vocational ministry. And then, I needed something new. Out of desperation about 4 years ago I started substitute teaching. It was a paycheck. And the pandemic closed everything down. I got to be at home with my babies who needed the presence of their mama.

I spent a year in topsy-turvy school. I discovered I enjoyed teaching. And, I discovered I am good at it.

Finances being what they were and are, I knew I couldn’t afford to return to school for another graduate degree. I researched options in Pennsylvania. I found one I thought was viable. 

I have spent 2 years honing my skills in very practical ways while continuing to substitute. I have applied for jobs being very honest about the certification path I have chosen. I know I am qualified; I excel in primary grade teaching. But, I keep getting passed over because I don’t have the same teaching education, the traditional path, as others; I am older; and because I have been a reliable and good substitute, that they don’t want to loose.

Today marks the first return to school in 2 years that I have no substitute assignments scheduled. I don’t know when or if I will return to the classroom as a substitute or otherwise. I have had to search and apply for jobs that have nothing to do with teaching because finances mean I have to move on to something that will allow me to pay my bills and keep a roof over my children’s and my head and food in our bellies.

So, today, I am deeply sad. I grieve the loss of the dream of teaching that I had as a child and teenager and was re-birthed in my 40’s.

I think it has hit me so hard this morning because yesterday I saw a handful of students I have worked with over the last 4 years and I wished them a happy first day of school today and a great school year. And, I did this knowing that I may not walk into the doors of the school building and see these students in their learning environment.

I look at Waters of Leith in the above picture and see a pathway. That pathway disappears around a bend and between the buildings. For me, today, that is my journey. My journey is at a bend in the road and I don’t know where I am going. I have no idea what is next. I am sitting at home today, knowing that I may never teach again. I grieve, because I have no idea what that means for my self-understanding. I know I am a teacher and I will find ways for that to be expressed. But, I am sad because, I am doubtful that teaching will be my full-time employment and income and I do not know what that means going forward.

I am hopeful for you that you are able to find ways to be honest with yourself and others about your own areas of grief.