The River View Journey

The last few weeks have been full. What the days have been full of are actions and conversations that solidify my willingness to lIve into something new. Right now the only thing I am sure of is that this something new will allow me to live authentically. Papers have been signed for divorce. Letters written requesting a change to the denomination where I am clergy. I am so grateful that doors are opening so that I can live as my queer self. Change is hard. These changes are scary for me. There is so much unknown.  But, I have so many dreams for what is to come. I will be working in a secular vocation as a substitute teacher. But, I will also be building new connections for my spiritual community. There will be other clergy (I will soon be meeting). But, I am also building a community locally. We will be creating a worshiping community. I will also be working as a spiritual director. (That is someone who meets regularly with people who want to learn to listen to the move...

Not gonna lie...I am exhausted. I could give you a laundry list of "stuff" that has worn me out. Some of the stuff has been brought on by my own hands. Some of it has been thrust upon me by others. Approximately 10 years ago, I knew my call to ministry was shifting. I just didn't know what it was supposed to or going to look like. Eleven or twelve years ago I knew there were parts of myself I just didn't understand. But, there was so much I was entrenched in that made it nearly impossible for me to make sense of my life ambiguities. Three years ago my life made a drastic change overnight. So, much has transpired. So much has left me angry and tramatized. I am greatful to am amazing team of care professionals in my life who handle counseling, group therapy, mental health medications, and spiritual direction.  I wish I was further along the journey, than I am. There are several changes that will be happening and I hope those occur sooner rather than later. B...

Today was the last day with students. They only had a half day. My afternoon in-service was spent helping the paraprofessional in the classroom I have been working in and the new permanent Elementary Life Skills teacher get the room ready for summer. We have another half day tomorrow morning. I feel like this spring has been a pendulum swing. Not getting a full-time position sent me back into discernment. My immediate thought was to give up, that maybe I am wrong about this part of my vocation.  I still have lots to consider financially as I consider next personal steps. But, I love what I do...I love the kids and my co-workers. So, I will embrace that knowledge for the coming weeks as I rest and spend some time with my kiddos. I am in between. Not, full-time teaching. Not doing the spiritual direction stuff. I am discerning how to best make connections for that. I am discerning what it would look like to offer retreats and groups for persons that struggle finding their...

I need to vent. So, if you are here for encouragement and insight, this isn't the post for you. It's been nearly three years of a roller coaster for me. Three years since realizing I am gay. Three years of navigating the loss of a 20 year friendship. Three years moving toward separation and divorce. Three years trying to figure out how to parent differently.  Three years of my vocation changing instantaneously. Three years of the instantaneous loss of collegial friendships. Throw a world-wide pandemic on top. I spent 2020 trying to figure out what my vocation could be. I spent spring 2021 to fall 2021 trying to figure out how I could become a full-time teacher without going back to school. I then invested time and money in that path. Yesterday, I found out that I while I am a good substitute teacher, I won't be getting a full-time position. I don't have the right credentials, name, experience, education, or presentation at interviews to be given serious cons...

I am dreaming about how I engage with the next season of my journey and vocation. I carry so much in regards to self-discovery. It's heavy regarding how much I had to unpack and discard to be able to discover myself. It is heavy in regards to how the church treats people who are LGBTQIA+, like me. It is heavy in regards to choices I made as I was learning about myself. It is heavy now as I often feel so alone.  My faith does give me space for understanding my own journey. However, the institutional church is very intertwined to the heaviness of my journey. As, I dream and discern, I understand that I have the gifts of a listener and of one who can walk alongside others who are trying to make sense of their spirituality and live guided by that part of themselves. I am deeply aware of how institutional religion can, at best, complicate and, worse, cause injury and to each of us as we navigate our spiritual jouney. I am looking at developing relationships with people who a...

I am enjoying a rare, quiet day. Today is a holiday that the school district I work for observes as both a student and staff day off. Recently, I have been living into the journey of embracing my hard learned self-knowledge. I still live with my childrens' dad. It has been difficult to pave the way to financial security on my own. I am not there yet. Many costs have increased drastically. I do not have full-time employment. I have taken on my own health insurance. This journey is marked by financial logistics. I have illuded before to the fact that I am lonely. I have had many relationships shift during this journey. Making new friends as an adult is hard, if not impossible. As I am still technically married, I am not seeking romantic relationships. This seems to be a stereotype I fight...that since I identify as lesbian (and claim this publicly) that I must be practicing. I am not. I have some loose connections which grant me space to process the journey. But, I struggle with how ...

One aspect of my life which I rarely mention is being a Mama. I do this rather intentionally to protect my children's privacy. But events of this past Saturday have given me a challenge for how I will live my life in the next few days and months. So, the mention here is about inspiration for my own life. I am a co-leader for my daughter's Girl Scout troop. This means that sometimes my schedule is filled with events geared at helping our girls have new experiences. Yesterday is one example.  Our troop went on a climbing adventure day. They got to do several challenge experiences throughout the day including climbing a rock wall. I was so proud of my daughter. She climbed. She trusted herself and her own strength. She trusted her baleyer. Ultimately she reached the top. It was hard. She was exhausted physically at the end of the day. But, she was invigorated because she achieve the goal she set of climbing and reaching the top. Life is often like this. All...