The Hope of Change

Not gonna lie...I am exhausted. I could give you a laundry list of "stuff" that has worn me out. Some of the stuff has been brought on by my own hands. Some of it has been thrust upon me by others.

Approximately 10 years ago, I knew my call to ministry was shifting. I just didn't know what it was supposed to or going to look like. Eleven or twelve years ago I knew there were parts of myself I just didn't understand. But, there was so much I was entrenched in that made it nearly impossible for me to make sense of my life ambiguities.

Three years ago my life made a drastic change overnight.

So, much has transpired. So much has left me angry and tramatized. I am greatful to am amazing team of care professionals in my life who handle counseling, group therapy, mental health medications, and spiritual direction. 

I wish I was further along the journey, than I am. There are several changes that will be happening and I hope those occur sooner rather than later.

But, one thing has remained constant. My call to be set apart as a servant of God. I have not been able to set aside my giftedness as a spiritual listener and my call to tend the lambs of God.

I have, and continue, to take discernment about my call slowly. But there has been a realization for these three years that in regards to my call I am at a crossroads. I am seeking new opportunities through which to engage and live into my call. For over 5 years in regards to somethings, much longer for other things, I have been frustrated with the direction the denomination I have served in was headed. I held on for a long time because I knew nothing else. I have held on still to create space so I could discern the next faithful steps of my call.

There is honestly little that stirs my heart towards remaining United Methodist. There are no words for me to communicate how difficult it is for me to speak that.

I live with thought processes shaped by complex-PTSD (a trauma response I suffer from because of the deaths of three grandparents before I turned 7 and because I lived through a tornado when I was 3). When my life fell apart three years ago, many colleagues who were friends drifted away.  Because of the complex-PTSD thoughts and my personality in general, I just assumed those colleagues didn't or don't care. It's much more complicated, I realize. But, colleague relationships no longer stir me to stay. The ever lengthening process of decisions about how and when the UMC may or may not change leaves me with decreasing hope that it will. And that means I do not feel drawn to stay.

So, nearly a year ago I began to pray with open hands about whether to remain in or leave the UMC. No final decision has been made. But, I am listening for the movement of the Wild Goose (a Celtic referring to the Holy Spirit).

Since the fall of 2021, I have allowed conversation to unfold with a friend about possibilities in their denomination. Today I spoke with him, hearing that he had made an introduction of me to his bishop. I then spoke with said bishop on the phone for over a half hour about our stories. 

I am longing for the spirit to speak about this possibility and to open other doors should there be more for me to explore.

Change is never easy. For many, it doesn't unfold quickly enough and for others it happens too quickly. But, my sincere hope is that for all of us, it teaches us to listen. May change help us all to open our eyes and see possibility and hope. May each of us come to understand that there is an aspect of ourselves which is our IAmness and that remains no matter the externals of our lives the we experience and live through. My word for you today is expand. May seasons of change, transformation, and growth grant you space to expand your embrace of your own IAmness.