It's a marathon...not a sprint...

I am enjoying a rare, quiet day. Today is a holiday that the school district I work for observes as both a student and staff day off.

Recently, I have been living into the journey of embracing my hard learned self-knowledge.

I still live with my childrens' dad. It has been difficult to pave the way to financial security on my own. I am not there yet. Many costs have increased drastically. I do not have full-time employment. I have taken on my own health insurance. This journey is marked by financial logistics.

I have illuded before to the fact that I am lonely. I have had many relationships shift during this journey. Making new friends as an adult is hard, if not impossible. As I am still technically married, I am not seeking romantic relationships. This seems to be a stereotype I fight...that since I identify as lesbian (and claim this publicly) that I must be practicing. I am not.

I have some loose connections which grant me space to process the journey. But, I struggle with how to nurture those connections to become something more. Right now, I simply long for platonic companionship.

I juggle my kids and their needs and feelings. I have made the commitment to nurture them along this journey. I want nothing more than for them to see me strong as myslef and for them to never doubt that I am in their corner.

The blessing in this season is this fluffy hair ball with his snorting snuggles. His unconditional love for me and exuberant joy that explodes in a wiggly bottom when I come home from work each day grounds me.

I am taking certification exams (the first one done and scored as proficient) so that I can be hired for a full-time teaching job. 

I am working to plant seeds so that in the future, I can reconnect to my spiritual vocation as a spiritual director.

As this season stretches out, I am able to live into the possibility of a dual-vocation as clergy and working in the secular world.

Vocation is an interesting thing...it is living into the place in the world where my gifts and deepest joy connect with the world's need. My heart sings these days as I walk into the elementary school and work with students. But it is a dual voice song. Voice two flows out as when I participate in my group therapy and hear spiritual insights that tumble forth as my chosen family shares. In both intersections my heart fills with deep knowledge that I am being used by IAm. I long for the day when my queer heart can find a place to live boldly into my spiritual vocation with the same ease that I do my secular vocation.

My hope for any of you who read my blog, is that you will have clarity of vocation. It has taken me a long time to get here. May your clarity give you strength as mine has.

Breathing in...know you you breathing in the presence of IAm.
Breathing out...know you are the presence of IAm in the world.

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