4 and a half years later…

 Some days just bring a person down. A lot about these first  days of 2024 have been a struggle. They have reminded me of a chronic frame of mind that I live in as “less than” and with low self-esteem. And, as the job hunt remains dismal, I am finding it hard to dig out of this place.

Four and a half years ago, my life drastically changed. I left active, full time ministry. But, most people have no idea what happened. Or, if they think they do from one of the other parties involved, they don’t know my side of the story. 

Here goes…

I allowed someone to get too close to me and me too close to them. After nearly 20 years of an unhealthy work-life balance try as I might to keep it healthy, I was burnt out and made a choice about a relationship with this person that turned out to be a poor choice on many levels. Nothing happened with the (adult) person except an emotional connection and some kissing. I turned myself into my supervisor. I was suspended and forced to take an unpaid leave of absence following the suspension. 

The relationship did three things. 1- it ended the friendship with my best friend of nearly 20 years because the friend said she needed to put up boundaries since I was manipulating her and we have never spoken again. 2- it solidified what I had come to deeply suspect about my sexuality. And 3- it made me realize that to be authentically myself, I could no longer remain married to my kid’s father. (The pandemic then drew the process of moving toward divorce out).

I own that I made some bad choices around the “new” friendship. Yet, the person was in no way a victim. Rather she saw my exhaustion and somehow picked up on my struggled with my identity and she manipulated me to deepen the relationship. The Church could see no other way of looking at the situation than for me to have been the wrong doer. There was no space for nuance. 

I finally made the choice to change denominations 19 months ago. I couldn’t see myself being able to return to a denomination where I couldn’t be my authentic self. I have spent these months wrestling with my therapist about the metal, spiritual, and self-image damage that the relationship and the church’s response have caused. The response of the former friend added icing to the cake. I trusted her with my struggles about my marriage and my sexuality. And, all she heard was that I was having an affair. She said if I didn’t turn myself in, she would turn me in. The pain of the church’s response runs deep. I struggle with the institutional church. I struggle to see myself as other than the church has told me I am, an evildoer and victimizer.

Because of the leave of absence I lost basically every friendship I had in my adult life post college. I signed a suspension and just resolution documents that said I wouldn’t talk about what happened. I signed that I wouldn’t be in contact with former church people. And now, people don’t know what to do with me. I go out places and most people don’t even acknowledge me. It’s often lonely. 

Here I am after 4 and a half years trying to rebuild my life and figure out new ways to live into my calling. With no natural connections through a “job”, I struggle to make and deepen connections with people who might be interested in the type of spiritual guidance that I am trained through study and practice to be able to offer.

Beyond two theological degrees, I am a trained spiritual director. I have a heart to talk with people about their spiritual journey. I understand the nuance that comes with the pain of hurt by the church and how it affects the spiritual journey.

For any that follow my writing and Facebook page…

I am looking to develop connections with people who want to deepen their spiritual life apart from the institutional church. Anyone who is looking for the same and/or for a place in which to engage in rituals that would help them go deeper in the spiritual life, feel free to reach out. You can use Facebook Messenger on the River View Community page https://www.facebook.com/riverviewcenter?mibextid=nwBsNb