Unexpected…

 

The last week has been full of the unexpected. Job hunting is still stressful. Finances and 2 major home projects are stressful. But….

I have been on a dating site for about a year. Generally if I match with someone we chat over a couple days and it fizzles. One person I have become friends with. However, the geographical distance between us has kept it at that.

Last week I matched with someone. And, we met face to face. And, then we went on an actual date. I was not expecting this especially at this time. I really wanted to have my life more put together than it is before a “relationship “ came along.

A friendship I had a few years back which forced me to openly acknowledge my sexuality has also made me cautious. So, much of what transpired from August 2019 to July 2022 means I don’t trust myself to notice and believe if someone is being authentic. 

As, with most friendships currently, I struggle to trust if someone is being authentic.  I desperately want to believe that this new person is showing me their true self. But, the words and tone used by authority figures and a couple other people around me caused me to stop trusting myself. Follow that by 3 and a half years of the former friend not leaving me alone though she had been asked to and then she told everything about the situation, saying I had ghosted her (just not using my actual name). I now struggle to trust my own voice, self-understanding, and discernment about the world and authenticity of people because of these interactions.

So, here I sit on the cusp of something new. It has possibilities. It has opportunity for adventures. It is conversation. It is connection.

It is also a time where I am trying to reconnect with myself. I will be learning to remain a whole and independent person all while developing and nurturing an intimate relationship.

This has been so unexpected. But, it has so much potential in so many ways.