On My Own..

About a year and a half ago I realized I was journeying through a season and doing so on my own. It was as much about protecting myself from going to people which couldn't or wouldn't see the real me as it was about learning to embrace my authentic self.

The pandemic didn't help my journey as it added a stumbling block of financial worries to the season.

I can't say this has been or is an easy season. Because, it has not been nor is it.  And, I have no idea when the day will come when can breathe a little easier.

But, this season has been what I knew all those months ago it would be. I am on my own. 

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. In theory I can have one or the other by them self or I could have both. "On my own" has especially been a state of my soul. I generally have people around me- my kids, the students I teach at school. Generally, I don't feel lonely. I thrive in quiet and spaciousness.

However, I have had seasons during these months when I have felt deep loneliness and disconnection. Loneliness is a feeling that can come whether there are people around or not. I have had several moments when I feel no one sees the real me,
moments when I feel lonely.

I am trying to unlearn old coping mechanisms of hiding away, instead trying to reach out to those who do know this part of me I am learning to love and nurture into living. I am succeeding in doing this more than I used to. But, I am definitely still learning.

Being on my own is not something I am ashamed of, none of us should be. These seasons help us to dig deep and learn about ourselves. My encouragement to you is, when these types of seasons come your way, hold yourself gently and do whatever practices you need to do so that you can grow to love yourself more fully. For me, this is contemplation and creativity. For others, it may be exercise, spending time outside, gardening, or cooking. When the loneliness comes, or we find ourselves in the alone times, this is when we each need to go deep and connect with I AM so that we can love oureselves and journey in the world from a place of wholeness.

Blessings from my contemplative space on the river...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Two months…

Image
  Life has been so different for the last two months. My daughter and I survived an accident pulling out of our driveway. I had two stays in the hospital. I think I had 5 cat scans. I have had 4 X-rays. I have now been doing therapy for a month, the therapy is speech therapy to help me with thinking and getting words out. It’s to help with concentration. I also do vestibular physical therapy to help with tinnitus, visual focus, dizziness, and all the stiffness and movement problems with my neck and shoulder. The evidence of the injuries that can be seen in X-rays has cleared. But, the movement, pain, and neurological struggles remain and I have no idea how long it’s going to remain. It’s also possible that some or all of the symptoms that remain might be permanent. I am still exhausted. Last week and this week I have returned to napping everyday. I am back to worrying about income as I don’t have a job and can’t imagine working on top of the therapies. I have no clue how to pay all...
Read more

Longest nights….

Image
This time of year is often hard for me. The literal darkness outside weighs on my mind. I get shifted into a rumination space. Often worries take over my thoughts and I struggle to hold onto hope. For nineteen months an ongoing refrain has become a weight…”I need a job”. There are so many parts of life that remain stressful and anxious because I see the income I receive for work and know what gets paid out and what gets essentially ignored because there just isn’t money to care for it. I want a job that I can feel good about going to. I need one that will pay for the bills I have to pay. I want something that will give a little bit a room for some extras. At this point the employment market hasn’t been showing opportunities that the needs of the situation and my skills and needs to provide for my kids match. I get frustrated. I get angry. I am so often left with only those emotions surrounding this part of my life. The negativity doesn’t help me with my goals of being a better mom and ...
Read more

Don’t say it can’t get worse…

Image
  For months, I have felt increasing anxiety moving towards panic about my situation.  Job-  find something apply. Usually I end up hearing nothing. I have had 2 job interviews since the beginning of 2024. One I just didn’t meet the mark against all the other candidates. The other actually ended up being a “not sure what you want from us” we filled this position this morning. When I get feed back from not getting job interviews or being offered positions it’s literally l am overeducated and under qualified. Employees don’t want to hire me for starting positions because they are afraid that something else will come along and I will quit. I have applied for state and county jobs. I have applied for direct care agencies. I have applied at schools. 2 years ago I made the decision to leave the United Methodist Church because of their stance on LGBTQIA persons. I am gay. I am trying to learn to live myself. It’s very hard because of internalized homophobia. I have girlfriend no...
Read more