Loneliness

I realize that blogging has shifted to the back burner. My work schedule is based on the academic school year. The last many months have been busier than I can describe. I am on the go most of days from 7:30am to after 5pm. I substitute in the local school and then I do homebound instruction for a high school student. Weekends are filled with errands, kids functions, and house work. My journey right now doesn't allow for the type of reflection that produces blog posts. And the lack of posts does let readers, if there is anyone actually reading my thoughts, to engage with me. 

But, now June has arrived. School is out. The activities of my children are slowing down. While we have some plans as a family and I will work a little in July, life is allowing for some rest.

Recently I am reminded how lonely I feel. During winter of 2020, I had a realization that this season would be one in which I would be on my own.

There are moments when I am glad for time alone. I need space in order to hear my spirit, God's spirit. I need spaciousness. I need quiet. For most of my life I have not been afforded a rhythm that allows for times of quiet such as this. 

However, what I have come to realize over this last 16 months, which has also included global pandemic, is that I need connection. That connection needs to be with adults. Those persona need to have some understanding of life while child-rearing. Connection most easily develops with those who have some understanding of a spiritual life. It also develops most easily with women. The connection that I need should be described by mutuality, meaning it goes both directions.

Now that the school year has ended I am overwhelmed with feeling alone, lonely. I have teachers and staff at school who I am friendly with. I enjoy hearing about their families. They are people whose smiles I enjoy seeing (before Covid and masks) in the hallways. But, summer break and being away from the school building leaves me feeling the deep lack of connection. It feels like I don't have people to talk to or listen to.

These months have taught me much about myself. I am learning what I need in terms of spaciousness and alone time. But having lost all of my former connections, it has down me that I need something. My struggle these days is trying to figure out how to develop the type of relationships I need. Initiating these connections does not come naturally (as I am someone who is "shy",  starts at the place  of assuming people won't like me or want me around). Maybe this summer will teach me ways to engage with people I might enjoy spending time with.