Butterflies and Kalaidescopes

This is one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Now, in terms of perspective I am not that old. But, it is often difficult to remind myself that there, more than likely, are many years of living left for me.

I think I have said before that my life perspective rests on how by the presence of the Spirit, I am constantly being changed. Butterflies and kalaidescopes are images that reflect my world and self-view. And, these images keep returning to my soul.

I had gotten to a place in my twenties where I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself. I had done so much self investigation work and I didn't think there was anything else to discover. My work then, turned to living into what I knew.

But, as I aged into my mid-thirties, I started to scrape up against parts of my life that didn't feel like they were working. It was almost like I was trying to force myself to fit someplace I didn't actually belong. 

Next came eight years of moments of trying so hard to make aspects fit and then quitting and hiding because I became exhausted. Back and forth, again and again. 

The last 3 years have given me a depth of self-understanding that helps me know for sure what isn't working. These many months have shown me that I will never fit in those places and relationships in the same way ever again.

So, now, I am trying to forge ahead in a new way. Changes in vocation and in the majority of my relationships mark this new reality. 

I know I can never be the person I was trying for all those years to be. 

Now, I am forging ahead trying to build a life where I have connection and spaciousness. I am trying to build a life where I can be proud of the parent I am and proud of the human I have become. I am trying to learn to love myself.

The loving myself is the hard part. I see constantly how living into being the person God has created me to be causes pain to people around me because it forces them to reexamine themselves.

But, this is the journey I am on. And as I watch the river flow and the water just rest and go where the current leads, I am learning to do the same in my own life.