The risks of being vulnerable....


I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability and trust this weekend. A poem I was reading from a book that is part of my Lenten practice moved those terms to the front of my mind.

"realizing 
that some people can be trusted 
to hold your vulnerability 
your pain
and your joys"

So, I did what I do...

I Google the definitions of vulnerable/vulnerability and trust.

vulnerability- the condition of needing special care, support, or protection because of therisk of abuse or neglect.

trust- the firm belief of the reliability of someone

As an adult I have struggled developing relationships where I can be vulnerable. I have spent a lot of time trying to unpack the why's of this reality. At this moment I am glad for the work I have done and continue to do, particularly over the last 2 years.

I have been learning about aspects of myself over my adult life that I have realized I didn't aways have the words to express. Not having words has made it difficult to be vulnerable. But, I had people in my life that I firmly believed would be there and would give me care and support when the words started to trickle out. In reality, when I shared, for whatever reasons, they became a source of injury rather than protection and support. 

As my journey continues I know I have more work to do. I have more wrestling to do in regards to living into what God has shown me about myself. I have more work to do regarding embracing my wounds and scars. I also a working on figuring out who in my life I can trust when I need to be vulnerable. The vast majority of people who once occupied that space are now gone for a variety of reasons.

Spring has finally arrived in NE PA. Perhaps some new relationships that are budding will being to blossom this spring time season while the flowers and trees begin to awaken from slumber. I am hoping that spring will provide me opportunities for connection that have been missing over these past many months. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Two months…

Image
  Life has been so different for the last two months. My daughter and I survived an accident pulling out of our driveway. I had two stays in the hospital. I think I had 5 cat scans. I have had 4 X-rays. I have now been doing therapy for a month, the therapy is speech therapy to help me with thinking and getting words out. It’s to help with concentration. I also do vestibular physical therapy to help with tinnitus, visual focus, dizziness, and all the stiffness and movement problems with my neck and shoulder. The evidence of the injuries that can be seen in X-rays has cleared. But, the movement, pain, and neurological struggles remain and I have no idea how long it’s going to remain. It’s also possible that some or all of the symptoms that remain might be permanent. I am still exhausted. Last week and this week I have returned to napping everyday. I am back to worrying about income as I don’t have a job and can’t imagine working on top of the therapies. I have no clue how to pay all...
Read more

Longest nights….

Image
This time of year is often hard for me. The literal darkness outside weighs on my mind. I get shifted into a rumination space. Often worries take over my thoughts and I struggle to hold onto hope. For nineteen months an ongoing refrain has become a weight…”I need a job”. There are so many parts of life that remain stressful and anxious because I see the income I receive for work and know what gets paid out and what gets essentially ignored because there just isn’t money to care for it. I want a job that I can feel good about going to. I need one that will pay for the bills I have to pay. I want something that will give a little bit a room for some extras. At this point the employment market hasn’t been showing opportunities that the needs of the situation and my skills and needs to provide for my kids match. I get frustrated. I get angry. I am so often left with only those emotions surrounding this part of my life. The negativity doesn’t help me with my goals of being a better mom and ...
Read more

Don’t say it can’t get worse…

Image
  For months, I have felt increasing anxiety moving towards panic about my situation.  Job-  find something apply. Usually I end up hearing nothing. I have had 2 job interviews since the beginning of 2024. One I just didn’t meet the mark against all the other candidates. The other actually ended up being a “not sure what you want from us” we filled this position this morning. When I get feed back from not getting job interviews or being offered positions it’s literally l am overeducated and under qualified. Employees don’t want to hire me for starting positions because they are afraid that something else will come along and I will quit. I have applied for state and county jobs. I have applied for direct care agencies. I have applied at schools. 2 years ago I made the decision to leave the United Methodist Church because of their stance on LGBTQIA persons. I am gay. I am trying to learn to live myself. It’s very hard because of internalized homophobia. I have girlfriend no...
Read more