Random Wednesday thoughts...

The last year has taught me a tremendous amount about myself and how events that occurred in my childhood, adolescent, and young adult years have shaped me, my personality,  and how I respond to new life events. Having been exposed to grief and death repeatedly at very young ages has shaped much about who I am. These events have left me with a type of post-traumatic stress disorder called complex-PTSD.

One of the ways that it exhibits itself is through how I see myself and how I assume others see me. These many months have been ones in which I am learning to break the thought patterns. I am learning, but the patterns aren't broken yet.

I always see myself as less than, not good enough. I have spent most of the last 42 years trying to make myself be what so many people, and the world, have said I should be like and want to be. I see so many ways in which I am passed over, unnoticed, forgotten.

I assume people don't want to have anything to do with me. I assume people won't or don't like me or want me around. I don't reach out because I'm afraid I will have my perception proved correct. I am typically wary of who I trust and spend time with and talk to about my life.

Being in the clergy means I have been trained to maintain boundaries with parishioners and the communities I serve. I have tried to balance being relatable and approachable in order to support people with what they are experiencing with not letting the people around me become a support network. This means that there are few people I have felt I have around me for support. 

Currently, there is much I would want to unload about my current circumstances and about who I am. But, there are few people whom I trust. And, generally don't think of those people and assume they don't really have time to for me, or wouldn't really care anyway.

Yes, it's kind of a self-fulfilling profecy. I am aware of this.

I know we are all dealing with lonliness right now.  The feelings wash over us in various ways and to various degrees. But, my truth is that this season has intensified what I typically feel on a "normal" day. Even though I am an introvert, these "quarantine" days are incredibly difficult,  because I don't have very many, if any, people who aren't professionals in the care giving capacity with who I can unload everything.

I hope that any of you reading this have a support network that can help you feel connected and rooted during these days.