The Longest Night...

I discovered last weekend that try as I might, I can't hide for long that I claim the name "Christian" as my faith tradition and that I have spent over 20 years answering a call to pastoral ministry in the United Methodist tradition. Sometime, I'll write more about how that season has shifted. From that sphere of my life, something weighs on my heart that I want to write about today.

Several years ago, I was exposed to a trend of gathering opportunities being offered for persons that have a difficult time around the holidays to gather together. The gatherings are called "Blue Christmas" services or a service for the "Longest Night". The gatherings often happen close to the winter solstice which is the longest night of the year. As I led these services, I tried to create an atmosphere for individuals to name the difficulty they have this time of year, when everyone seems to be "merry and bright".

Difficulties can arise from many reasons...greif, employment, health, finances, broken relationships.

As the longest night literally approaches, I feel the immense weight of how my changing season in life and in my call are affecting the holidays for me this year. The holidays are always hard for me for a number of reasons. But this year even more than any other year in the past, I would rather avoid all the celebrating. This year will in no way be like any other year in my life. 

I have no faith community with whom I will be able to gather and pray. I am basically unemployed which pours on the guilt that accompanies the worry of paying bills. My home is in the transition of moving. Many people that I had counted as friends over the last several years (some who have been important my entire adult life) are gone, some just vanished, others drifted away. I am stuck in a place of grieving much which I have lost during the last year.

Today, the darkness which bathes most of the clock for me in northern hemisphere this time of year seems to describe the drakness and silence of my heart and soul right now. I have lost track of how many times during the last months I have heard that eventually I will see "resurrection" in my life and that eventually I will understand how this difficult season will be used for good.

Really? All of this sucks. It's hard. I am lonlier than I could ever describe. There seems no way out.

Some would say that I did it to myself. Generally speaking, they would be right. I have gotten what I deserved. Others would say, I didn't get enough.

But, tonight, the darkness is overwhelming even those it's originating source is my own choices. I'd really like to go to sleep and just hibernate for a good long while. Today, I have no desire to find a way out of this darkness.

This season is a darkest night. St John of the Cross describes seasons like this as "dark nights of the soul". His words make so much sense. 

My hope for any of you reading this who resonate with some of these ramblings, is that perhaps my sharing will help you not feel so alone during hear days.



Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 13, 2019 at 4:17 AM

    Keep the faith. Keep in your heart that although people in your life slowly move on, many new people will enter. God has a plan for you and although it is very hard now, it will be revealed to you in his time.Know that we are here to help in any way possible.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownDecember 13, 2019 at 3:16 PM

    You have been such a huge part of my family's direction, even if you don't see it. Regardless of you shift in seasons, we will remain grateful for your friendship and love. Keep your chin up and keep praying. God will hear you and will answer. Even though our friendship must go on through a different direction, we are happy to still have you and your awesome family in our lives!

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownDecember 13, 2019 at 4:08 PM

    You are more important to me than you can imagine. You were by my side in the hardest times of my life. You saved me from myself. I did as you told me. I trusted in God. I was patient. For over a year.That was hard. and I listened for God to speak to me.And He did. I recceived a letter from a dear friend.She wrote about each of my prayers and told me how well my precious grandson was doing. Can't wait to share it with you. Now I an taking care of me. So I can be here for him.My wish is to spend time with you.Love to you and your family.I am here for you now.Anything I can do? Just ask. Marie.

    ReplyDelete

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